Doug Berv | How have you adapted to transitions and loss?
We have all been through changes in life, some desired and planned, some not so much. Some transitions we expected; some we did not. We have all made changes in our lives. We have all coped with illness. We have all experienced losses—friends and family. I have adapted to these; some are more difficult than others. Change is inevitable.
I made desired changes in my career: leaving academic medicine, creating my solo practice in psychiatry and later forming a psychiatric group with a friend. Along the way I learned through mistakes, some costly. I learned from experience so much about how to be good businessman that I’ve advised other medical and non-medical businesses. Many CEO’s do not hire people who have not made mistakes. Choosing to work privately (avoiding institutions) was one of the best decisions I made. The independence-not having to answer to a boss-suited my personality. Over time, I learned that my skills were best suited to limiting my practice to psychopharmacology where I treat seriously ill individuals with medications. One adaptation to aging was to work less. Working half-time I enjoy work so much more. I still get the rewards of helping people and solving complicated problems, but I never get tired like I used to.
The loss of my parents was very hard and is still with me, but most difficult has been the recent loss of my 31-year old daughter. A classmate who also lost his daughter told me “The first year is torture, the second is livable.” I have found several ways help cope with loss: time with loved ones, talking about it sometimes, sometimes not talking about, reading and hearing how others have coped with loss, working has been wonderful (helping others, being productive, being distracted).
Each of us grieves differently, but we all grieve.
Let’s begin this discussion online and, for those who are interested, continue it in person on Sunday morning.
Doug, sorry I missed you at the reunion. My deepest condolences on perhaps the worst loss one can experience in life, that of one’s child.
I have spent my career in medicine adjacent to the specialty (hematology-oncology) that has the highest mortality rate. But I wasn’t the primary physician, so these losses were not as acute as when you spend many hours accompanying a patient and their family in their journey.
Like Doug, losing parents was pretty awful. My wife opines that I was low level depressed for about five or more years.
I had the unfortunate experience of being involved in violent death early in life. Not in military service, but during my first year of college at Cornell. The story has been documented in the NY Times for anyone interested, as well as in a podcast. Links below.
Eight dead students and one faculty member in a dorm fire. Probably arson although the perpetrator was never formally accused or tried. Made me very cautious (and a big fan of smoke detectors) for the last 60 years or so. And very aware of the fragility of life and normality. This was before PTSD was described in its modern form, but I’m pretty sure I had a mild case for a year or so afterward. I remember telling the story to my new Yale classmates in the TD dining hall and bursting into tears with no warning.
Yale was a refuge and sanctuary for me after this disaster and my friends, roommates and teachers helped in the healing process to a great extent. There were some phenomenally compassionate and empathetic folks at Yale back in our day, and hopefully today as well.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/13/nyregion/never-solved-a-college-dorm-fire-has-become-one-mans-obsession.html
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/deliberate/id1653165339
My heart goes out to you, Doug. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a 31-year-old daughter. As it happens, my daughter will be 31 years old this month, and your loss struck me deeply. I appreciated the ways you’re learning to cope. My thoughts are with you, Tom.